I AM

This morning I was reading a friend’s Facebook status and it reminded me of an event that happened to me years ago. I began to write about it, years ago to publish on my Blog Spot, but never got to it because my thoughts were unfinished and I didn't feel as though it was worthy to be posted. Below is the quote and author that finally got me to publish this. 

"Honesty is a rapidly disappearing attribute. Truth is hedged and masked. Integrity is compromised. "Mom isn't here" our children say when we want to avoid the caller. We silently pocket the incorrectly counted change received in the drive-through lane. Untruths we label as "small white lies" punctuate our character until authenticity is forfeited. A life of integrity demands honesty. So does worship." –Mary Southerland

Oh boy, this statement, ALL of it rang true to me this morning, Monday, March 25, 2013. The part that stood out the most in the above quote has to do with “quietly pocketing the incorrect change…” I had a similar event happen to me about five years ago. This was one of those “Ah-Ha” moments in a person’s life where things from the past and present suddenly ‘click,’ and make sense. It’s when all ‘insignificant’ information from the past is finally made ‘clear’ when an event occurs. Before that time, the events are separate and the information seems to be just that, insignificant.

I was at our local Dollar Store, picking up supplies for a classroom party of some sort. At the checkout counter the cashier said $5.34. I challenged the amount and said it could not be right because I purchased more than five items. The cashier said she only counted five items. I insisted I had three packs of stars, one pack apples and one pack of something else. The cashier opened the bag and recounted. When she was finished, she said I was right and was astonished that I admitted to having six items instead of five. I was taken back a little and said, but of course I would tell you that. She then thanked me for being honest and most people would not say anything.

OK, I do not tell you this story because I feel great about myself or I am trying to let you know how honest, wonderful and self-righteous I am. Truly, two or three years earlier I would have been all over a dollar ‘saved’ because a cashier made a mistake. A part of me would have ‘celebrated’ the little victory I achieved at cheating a store out of a buck not counted by the cashier; her mistake, my gain. Why should I help someone else, especially if their mistake benefits me? Woohoo! 

I got into my minivan and sat there for a few minutes and thought about what the cashier had said to me. “You don’t realize, most people would not have said anything.” I was surprised and thought to myself, “what does that say about who I AM?”

“I AM.” Those two words hit me like a bolt of lightning. I felt the I AM deep within my chest, my core, my being. My ‘soul’ recognized I AM. The merging of past stories and present were united. I AM. Those two words stand alone. They are an entire sentence, a noun and a verb. They are the beginning and the end, they are the creator. I AM is God.

Here is where past meets present and then past and present meet future all at once. I AM is the answer God gave Moses when Moses asked, what is your name? God replied, “I AM.” You and I are made in the image of God, the I AM. You and I reflect I AM. My behavior, your behavior are reflections on I AM. The way I behave reflects on I AM. I steal and cheat. What does that say about who I AM? We may back off and think it may say something about our character, but what about God’s character? If we proclaim we are God’s children, made in the image of God, we reflect God. Is God cheating, untrustworthy? Well, is He? We proclaim we are His children.

There are people who do not know God. God is loving, accepting, slow to anger, full of grace and merciful. We say we are made in His image so we are those things also. If we say we are loving, kind, merciful, full of grace, but also, judge, cheat, lie, etc, can we see how others don’t believe in God or mistrust God because of how WE have behaved?

Look I get it. Some of my friends will be freaking out by what I have just said. I understand we are both saint and sinners simultaneously, but others do not know this. They only see God reflected in us. Reflections can be distorted and thing appear that really are not there. I understand that, but there are others that do not know that because they only know God through how WE have behaved.

As I sat reflecting in my car for some time, I felt remorseful, really truly remorseful because I realized my own behaviors and words have NOT always been what I know God to be. I remembered a day when not so long ago, I would have easily saved myself a dollar; basically selling God out for a buck as I claimed to be one of His children, openly wearing the Cross upon my neck as a symbol. I also realized at that point how hard it would and will be for me to live as God wants me to live because I live in this world. It is sooooo easy to ‘forget’ who we are and whose we are. It is a daily struggle to discern God’s will and to submit joyously to what God’s plan is for me, because frankly, most days I have my own agenda. As a Christian, I know Jesus came into this world and died for my sins. Because of that, each day I am renewed to live as God wants me to live,and  to live as God created me to live, but and yes for me there is a but, Jesus coming into this world, and forgiving my sins doesn't make it any easier. In fact it makes it harder, BUT I wouldn't change it. I will struggle daily with how I am to live. I will struggle with how I reflect God’s image, because in doing so I am free. I know God loves me and He forgives me, so each day I am free to make mistakes in the journey, my journey, ‘The Walk,’ to be who God made me to be. "