A letter to God

Monday, August 22, 2005

Dear God,

Here I am writing you a letter. I have spoken to you many times through out my life, most notably in the last few weeks. Go figure, I am now in a spirituality class. I have spoken to you many times in the past few weeks about all the events and people that have been in my life that have led me to you. Or should I say these people and events have opened me up to knowing your presence around me always. The past two years the people and events seem to be more frequent and the duration between the events and people seems to be shorter and shorter. Is this true, or am I just ‘noticing’ them more?

The assignment, as I am sure you know, is to write you and tell you the fist time I actually ‘knew’ you were here or felt you. I have thought about this for years. And you know when I consciously noticed you. It is hard to talk about, because the circumstances that I felt your loving peace were not and still are not memories I care to think about. BUT you were there each and every time I was at the receiving end of the horrific events. I now know that those who partook in these events did not realize what they were doing at the time. I can rationalize this now in my own head. Each time I remember those incidences, I feel like a child again. My heart cries for that little girl. You know, you were and are still with me each and every time I remember these things. How did I know it was you God? Immediately following one of these horrifying episodes, I felt physical pain in my chest., like a squeezing. I felt apart of myself leaving me. I think now that pain was my little soul crying out. And you were there. I would feel a sense of warmth and peace come over me and a sense that everything would be ok. I would lie in my bed and know that despite the horrible things that were done, I was a ‘good’ child and that I must be because I ‘knew’ you loved me. How did I know this? Who else could give me inner peace and make me feel loved and warm like that? You made me feel or gave me these feeling/sense everything would be turn out OK, and you delivered. I am so thankful for everything you have blessed me with in my life. My wonderful, caring husband. A person who loves me unconditionally. My ‘biggest’ supporter. My beautiful, healthy, joyous children. I pray for them everyday, which you know about. I can’t thank you enough for these. I just hope I can make you happy and proud.

In the past few years I have been confused about this whole spirituality thing. What is right and what is wrong? I believe you have led me to the place where I am finding the answers for myself. Is there a wrong answer? My biggest fear is that I will believe the wrong thing. The LAST thing I would want to do is hurt you or act as though I am turning my back on you. You have given me such great joy, to dishonor you or to hurt you would be the last thing I would want to do. Yet, I know I do sin daily. I pray for your forgiveness.

So, I know I have felt your calming peace and love when I was a child and even pre-teen. Have these ‘other’ people and incidences you and I know about be true? Or are they just my subconscious helping me work through some difficult times in my life? Why couldn’t you be the one directing my sub conscious? I don’t know, I am asking. I feel like it is you. I am being cautious, because I don’t want to be misled. May be this is what is meant by taking the risk of faith and believe.

Yesterday in class we were learning about the six major turning points that the church has encountered since ‘organized’ religion. We are asked to fill out this wheel. A continuum of sorts. Where do we each fit individually on this continuum? I plot what and where I think I fit. Then I read the descriptions. In the categories I feel I am higher on do NOT describe me. Each of the categories I feel I score low in, describe me. What’s up?

Since I was a young child, I have known you love me. It hasn’t been until recently when I have had someone I love dearly actually show me human love back in a wonderful way, that I have been able to accept your love and to love myself. Does this sound right? Your love pulled me through some extremely terrifying and harsh times as a child. I believe you sent my husband to me to help me. Because of him and the other two gifts of my children, I believe I am able to start this spiritual journey. THANK YOU! The things I am reading, the people I am encountering and the events I am experiencing are reinforcing what I have always believed and thought. I think its because I have known deeply in my heart all these years, but have been unable to recognize or notice you here. I have always believed you love everyone. I found it extremely hard to believe that you would send people to Hell because they were not a certain religion. I think I am finally seeing what I am to see. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t know everything. I know I am not supposed to know everything. It’s only human to try to figure things out and to be scared of the unknown. I still have difficulty understanding many things about you. I have started thinking, may be those are the things too above my realm of ability to comprehend and understand. I know when the time is right for me; you will reveal those things to me. I just feel elated because things I have felt about you, I have heard others say they also believe. I guess it’s the whole validation thing. 

I could write more and more. You know that. I think about you often and invite you in. I know you are there. This letter is not news to you. You know. This letter is to help me become closer to you. I know my words are not always the correctly chosen words, but I know you know what my heart means.

How do I end this…LOVE,

Angie

Its about what you do

This happened to me in the spring of 2008. I wrote this several weeks after it happened. This past week I went back and did some editing so it would flow better. This is apart of The Walk I have been on. I am now posting it here for you to read. This is where I begin to be vulnerable. If you are new to this blog I ask that you read the very first post that I wrote for you to get an understanding of the perspective or place I am writing from.

It was a cold Sunday morning and I just finished grocery shopping with the boys after church and Sunday school. I was dressed for warmer weather so getting the boys settled in the car and putting the groceries away was less than pleasant. The wind was blowing and the sky was spitting drops of rain. It felt as if the temperature had dropped even more in the sort time I was emptying the cart into the car. After unloading the bags, I looked around for the nearest cart return. I soon realized there was not a cart return close by and from the looks of it, everyone else decided to abandon their shopping carts in the parking stall where they had parked. I was in short-sleeves and cold; miserable to be quite frank. I knew when I returned home, I had to unpack all the groceries, put away laundry, make lunch for the family and do numerous other things. The quickest and easiest thing for me to do was what everybody else did. Leave the cart right where I was; get in my warm mini-van and head home to start my ‘to-do-list.’

Then I heard, “Its not what everybody else does, it’s about what you do.”

My reply, “Ah crap. Do I have to?”

Silence.

I was left with the choice. I have free will, so I didn’t have to put my shopping cart away.

As miserable and cold as I was, I walked half the parking lot in the blistering wind and rain to put my cart in its proper place, in a cart stall. As I got into my car and buckled up, the boys yelling from the back seats asking to have some item we purchased minutes ago, I asked myself, why did this just happen? Why did God make the statement, “Its not what everybody else does, it’s about what you do,” for such a mundane chore of returning a grocery cart to the return stall. Is there not ‘bigger things’ God could speak to me about and tell me how to behave better? How about speaking to me during situations where I am at a loss on what to do. Or, when with a group of friends and I choose to remain silent or agree with something that I know not to be true.

In the past few years I have come to contemplate such events. I began to think about the WHY. This took the better part of that day and it occupied my thoughts for weeks afterward. There were so many whys.  Why did He choose the simple act of returning a shopping cart to the return stall? Why was God singling me out? There were many other carts in the lot. Couldn’t He have also told those people to put away their carts? Why was I even thinking this hard about something so unimportant?  And finally, may be it wasn’t God speaking to me at all, but my conscious telling me to do better.

I looked at the event and the factors. The event was returning a grocery cart to the return stall. This looks pretty non-significant. However, when you factor in the variables, less than pleasant weather and my attire of spring clothes, you can begin to see how the non-significant event becomes a little more important. Lets say the weather or my clothing choice for the day was not a factor and I noticed shopping carts all around the parking lot. I would have returned the grocery cart to the stall with little or no thought. For me, the added factors of physical uneasiness and knowing I had many things to complete once home, made me actually notice what everybody else did with their grocery cart and contemplate doing the same thing. May be, just may be God chose this moment because I was weak in my resolve to do what I normally do and He was reminding me. Or may be returning the grocery cart when I was physically uncomfortable was His practice for me. God may have been demonstrating in a simple act that following Him and His way is not always comfortable and cozy. Sometimes physical, emotional and mental discomfort will be apart of His way of life. Not because He makes it that way, but because others, family, friends and society make it that way. Or to be really honest, because of the choices I have made and continue to make.

I think I heard God speak to me during a mundane task because I could listen and ‘hear.’ I have gone grocery shopping and put groceries in my car thousands of times in the past. My mind wasn’t consciously focused on the mechanics of the activity. It was automatic in a sense, freeing up part of my mind to hear God speak. When I reflect on this, I have come to realize that God speaks or better yet, I tend to ‘hear’ God during times and activities that do not require much in the way of active thinking. That is, activities that are mentally and physically ‘automatic,’ because I have done them so many times before. They are in the ‘automatic’ section of my brain or at the molecular level-they are now embedded in my muscle memory. After speaking with others and stepping back and looking at some of our religious traditions (prayer, incantations, walking a labrynth etc activities that are rote in nature) I now know that it is during those times when we are physically and mentally on functioning the ‘automatic’ level, we can hear God. To clarify God Speak, I am not saying that there is a voice that calls my name and the earth shakes and His voice sounds like thunder and rushing water at the same time. It usually comes in the form of an idea that just ‘pops’ in my mind. It is during those rote activities that I find myself ‘talking’ to God in my own mind. I am either asking what, why and how questions. If and when ‘something’ comes to me it is generally not what I was asking or thinking to Him about.

I also think that the act of doing our daily routines or activities is the most important time to follow God. Our daily activities make up who we are. It’s somewhat like our ‘core’ behaviors. If we follow God in our ‘core’ behaviors it tells others what we are made of. It is in the action, the ‘doing,’ that reveals our inner-selves. Let’s face it; it’s easy to ‘talk’ a good game. To proclaim we are Christian or say we walk a good path in life is easy. One must back that up with action. For example, I can say I am Christian, and do nothing else. I can go to church and do nothing else. But if I do not say anything and serve others, look to where I can contribute and take action in helping my fellow person, doesn’t that tell you more about who I am than what I said?

When we follow God in our daily activities, we are practicing for upcoming events that would challenge us to follow God and His ways. If our core is faith filled and strong in His ways, we will tend to do the right thing even when a situation is stressful and hard physically, emotionally or mentally. This relates back to the automatic rote activities. The more we practice and His ways become apart of us, the ‘easier’ it is to fall back to those behaviors that have become automatic in times of physical, emotional and mental trials. 

Then the thought came to me that may be God telling me “its not what everybody else does, its about what you do,” goes beyond me, way beyond me. I have read and come to learn that God uses anyone to do His will. His will that day may have been not only for me, but also for someone else. Possibly someone was watching and thinking, “what in the world is that lady doing? I would just leave my cart there.” What would make her do such a thing?”  I know this too is far fetched, but the possibility stands that this could have caused someone to start thinking of why they behave the way they do and why others behave they way they do. Eventually, this could lead them to a better understanding of God. I know what you are thinking and I can say, stranger things have happened.

Sometimes, well ok, most the time, we, children of God, are asked not to do what everybody else does. Life following Jesus would be so much simpler and lets face it easy if we followed what everybody else did. It would have been easy and more comfortable for me to have left the cart in the parking stall. I would be warm and I would have gotten home quicker to start my ‘to do list.’ I am NOT saying that I changed anyone that day. I could never do that. On that day God reminded me that it really isn’t about what everybody else and how everybody else behaves. It’s about how I choose to behave that helps show His light to others in this world.

Do we really know this man?

After writing much of this entry, I decided to come back to the beginning and write a disclaimer. Before you read this entry, I want you to know I am doing my best to give you an overview of Martin Luther King Jr., the way I found him to be as I read his letters, speeches and sermons. A small blog entry cannot and will not cover the magnitude of this man’s character. I am so deeply moved by MLK Jr. that I wanted to give those reading this a quick overview and then hope that you find what was written about him so intriguing, so interesting and moving that you, you-self read his letters, speeches and sermons. At the end of this entry, you will find the link to the website where I obtained the letters, speeches and sermons.

In the United States on the third Monday of January most public schools, state and federal offices will be closed in observance of the Martin Luther King Jr. My children are excited they have yet another Monday off of school (this is on the tail end of ‘snowmagedon’ this year in the Atlanta, Georgia area). I grew up in the north and I am uh…41, so for the first decade or so of my public education we didn’t observe MLK Jr. with a day off of school. I’m not sure we really understood who MLK Jr. was or meant expect that we had a day off of school. Looking back, I learned that MLK Jr. was a great Civil Rights activist and leader. From what I am hearing from my children this is also what they are learning. It wasn’t until several years ago that I learned that MLK Jr. was not only a great Civil Rights leader; he was and is much, much more. I am a huge proponent of public schools but teachers are not allowed to teach certain things. We know that anything to do with ‘religion’ is an untouchable subject, unless, it is to explore all religions or religious traditions equally. So to teach about ALL that MLK Jr. was and is, will not happen in the public educational system anytime soon.

About two years ago a group of us that had been elected to serve on our church council were asked to read a book called, The Servant. A simple story about the true essence of Leadership, by James C. Hunter. While reading this book, I came across passages of ideas and quotes from MLK Jr. that caught my attention. Lately, I have run across more and more quotes from MLK Jr. so I decided to do some research and learn more about this man. In reading 16 letters, sermons and speeches given by the Dr. Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. spanning from 1947-1968, I realized he was a true man of God and a prophet of and for our generation.

In each of the letters, speeches and sermons, Martin Luther King Jr. always, and I can’t emphasize this point enough, ALWAYS pointed his readers and listeners to God. “May I say to you my friends, as I come to a close, and just giving some ideas as why we are assembled here, that we must keep-and I want to stress this, in all of our doings, in all of our deliberations here this evening and all of the week and while whatever we do, we must keep God in the forefront.” (MIA Mass meeting at the Holt Street Baptist Church, Dec. 5^th, 1955).

He always spoke about justice for ALL people regardless of their skin color OR their religion. “Now, I hope you will allow me to say to you this afternoon that God is not interested merely in the freedom of black men and brown men and yellow men. God is interested in the freedom of the whole human race. And I believe this philosophy and this determined struggle we will be able to go on in the days ahead and transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood.” (Speech at the Great March on Detroit, June 23^rd, 1963).

He always spoke about peaceful protests. “Civilization and violence are antithetical concepts. Negroes of the Untied States, following the people of India, have demonstrated that nonviolence is not sterile passivity, but a powerful moral force, which makes for social transformations. Sooner or later all the people of the world will have to discover a way to live together in peace, and thereby transform this pending cosmic elegy into a creative psalm of brotherhood. (Nobel Peace Prize Acceptance Speech, December 10, 1964).

The issue and point Martin Luther King Jr. stressed more than anything was and is: loving everyone, including your enemy. “So I want to turn your attention to this subject: “loving your enemies.” It’s so basic to me because it is a part of my basic philosophical and theological orientation-the whole idea of love, the whole philosophy of love. …Far from being the pious injunction of a utopian dreamer, this command is an absolute necessity for the survival of our civilization. Yes, it is love that will save our world and our civilization; love even for enemies.” (Loving Your Enemies, November 17^th, 1957). In this speech Martin Luther King Jr. goes on to tell us how we can actually ‘learn’ to love by defining the word love. He also teaches us the behavior of love. Behavior of love is a new concept, because most of us view love as a feeling. I encourage you to read this incredible piece of work. I will also be referring to this during the month of February when we tend to speak of the feeling of love.

Before I go any further in this blog entry, I need to define the word prophet. Prophet is someone who speaks the word of God. A prophet is NOT someone who foretells the future. A prophet tells us consequences to our behaviors. Most of the time prophets tell us that our behaviors will lead to consequences we have not considered or consequences that are just plain bad. Thus during the time of the prophets life and for many years later the people the prophet is/was ‘warning’ view them in a negative light.

Where I think Martin Luther King Jr. was ‘misread’ or ‘misunderstood’ has to do with him informing people the consequences of their behaviors. “God has said, that all men must respect the dignity and worth of all human personality and if you don’t, I  [God] will take charge.” (Paul’ Letter to the American Christians, Nov. 1956).  Imagine you as the oppressor hearing this. You hear that God will take charge because you are not following one of God’s basic tenants. You feel you have this right, so you become angry.

People fail to also see that Martin Luther King Jr. was not only ‘warning’ oppressors of their consequences, he also warned those being oppressed. “May I say a word to those who are struggling against evil. Always be sure that you struggle with Christian methods and Christian weapons. Never succumb to the temptation of becoming bitter. As you press on for justice, be sure to move with dignity and discipline, using only the weapon of love. Let no man pull you so low as to hate him. Always avoid violence. If you succumb to the temptation of using violence in your struggle, unborn generations will be the recipients of a long and desolate night of bitterness, and your chief legacy to the future will be an endless reign of meaningless chaos.” (Paul’s Letter’s to the American Christians, November 4^th 1956). As one being oppressed, who wants to hear that they cannot retaliate with the same vengeance and force being used against them? Not only that, they hear the consequence is future generations of hatred against them.

I know this blog entry is longer than in the past. This blog entry should even be longer than it is now. As I stated, one blog entry does not even come within miles of letting us get to know this incredible man of God, Martin Luther King Jr. I ask that we all take time out on Monday and in the days, weeks and years to come to read his works and to teach our children about this man and his ideas. Martin Luther King Jr. calls all of us, regardless of the color of our skin, religious background, socio-economic status, and sexual orientation, regardless of everything that we find to separate us, to come together as children of One God. 

http://www.mlkonline.net

Are we poor?

The season of Christmas, the way we celebrate it in the modern era, has now past. Presents have been purchased opened and some presents returned for new ones. Now the Christmas hangover is occurring. What is the Christmas hangover you ask? It is when the bills for all of our purchases come due. We all had good intentions to give our children, family and friends, all those whom we love the dearest, everything they wanted. Or at least give them close to everything they wanted. We wanted to make sure they weren’t going to be ‘left behind’ the other children and members of society, by lacking the latest and greatest technological gadgets, toys or designer clothing.

People feel as though they have no choice but to spend money. They feel the need or have to spend more money than they should, so they can ‘be the life of the party.’ That is, give everybody everything they want. If they don’t buy what their children, spouses and friends want, they have feelings of inadequacy, or fear that their children, spouses and others will not love them. Far worse than those feelings is the fear that when their children are asked by others “what did you get for Christmas,” the presents they gave would not compare to their children’s friends’ presents. That would lead to a fear that others may think any of the above or worse yet, that they are financially poor.

I realize that we live in a society where being poor is a matter of perspective. We compare our-selves and our lives with others. We are however selective on whom we compare ourselves with. We dare not compare ourselves with those who we consider poor, because if we did, then we would not feel as though we already have everything we need. Instead, we compare our-self and our possessions to the lives and possessions of others we feel are ‘more successful’ than us.

Most of us want more. More of what? More money. Bigger and/or better houses. Expensive ‘designer’ clothes to wear so others know we have money. Different and a more attractive body and looks so people will look at us with envy. More expensive cars so people see we have ‘made it’ in society. We feel we need to keep up with the latest technology advances to keep informed about all the things everyone else has acquired. If we didn’t keep up with all the other stuff people were getting, we may not get that stuff and someone may think that we are poor. Or worse, we will think our-self poor.  All of this comparing and fear causes us to use Christmas and other times such as birthdays to spend more money than we have.

Realizing this cycle and stopping the continuation of this cycle is a big whoa for me. A super huge whoa! Pull back on the horse’s reins kind of whoa.  What if we stopped comparing what we don’t have compared to others and look at what we do have. We have a home. Our home is heated in the winter and cooled in the summer. We have electricity. We have an almost unlimited supply of water that is clean to drink, cook and bathe in. Our children play on numerous sports teams. Our children are all able to go to school without discrimination of income. We all have more than a seven-day supply of clothes to wear. We have a multitude of shoes to wear. We do not lack for food. Most of us have two cars that we are able to afford to put gas into. And for the most part not only are our basics needs meet, but most of what we desire in luxury items we already have. Now I ask, is that being poor?

Maybe we should have a new definition of poor. Poor could mean we are so despondent in what is right and true that we are poor. If we cannot see the life and the insurmountable gifts we are given to us on a daily basis from God then I will say WE ARE POOR. Christmas came and went and the greatest love and gift was given for us all. That was the birth of a savior; his name is Jesus, the Christ. But we have become so self-absorbed by our own desires and wants, so focused on the material things we do not have, that we are blind. We are poor in spirit. We are poor in faith and poor in belief. I think this is worse than financially poor.

Christ taught us that with God we have everything we will ever need. Accumulation of things does not make us rich. What we need is to develop a relationship with God. With God in our lives we see just how rich His creation is. We see just how many blessings and gifts we have been given. We are truly amazed at His unconditional love, desire and willingness for all of us to be apart of Him. When we begin to seek God on a deeper level we are rich beyond our wildest dreams.

It was this time years ago

It was six or seven years ago that I woke up on New Year’s Eve day or New Year’s morning loudly humming a hymn. I sat up on the edge of my bed, somewhat confused but realizing what I was doing. Tom was looking at me rather stunned. I turned to him and said, “I have the strangest feeling I am supposed to get to know the bible. Not get to know it like I should recite scripture, but get to know it on a deeper level.” It was since that day I have had this inner sense that I had to start reading the bible, taking bible study and going to Sunday school. I had to do something to draw closer to God. My Walk has been trying to find my way.

This may not sound like a shock to some people, because you have met me since this journey started. To others, this is NOT the Angie you know and remember. I was the ‘normal’ child and teenager.

To put some understanding on this, I did not grow up going to church. My mother was Catholic and my father southern Methodist. As you can imagine, church was NOT a very happy or approachable subject in our house. What I do remember about church was that my parents fought quite hard for which religion we (me, sister and brother) would be brought up in. Eventually a consensus, verbal or non-verbal, between my parents was that we would not be brought up attending church.

Don’t get me wrong. We did learn about God from two Christian perspectives. Theologically different as the two perspectives were, there was one common factor, God in the fullest (Father, Son and Holy Spirit). From my recollection, that was the only thing that each religion agreed upon. God was enough. Just the knowledge, that there was something bigger than family, and myself made a child yearn to get to know God more.

Despite my own family’s attempts to attend church on several occasions (may be 5-10 times while I was really young) I had friends of various faith traditions that at times I went with to church. Growing up I couldn’t help but feel guilty that I did not belong to a faith community. I felt guilty that I was not baptized. I had heard that those who were not baptized and accepted Christ would burn in hell. To a child this scared the ‘bejessus’ out of me. I remember praying silently that I did believe in Jesus just to avoid what fate may come to me for not being baptized. However, this knowledge conflicted with inside me. How could God send people to hell who possibly had never heard of Him? And what about all the children? Didn’t God love the children? I kept thinking of myself, my siblings and other children around the world.

As God would have it, in High School I spoke with one of my friends about this struggle about not being baptized and my fear of being sent to hell. She had a different perspective on God. She told me about a loving God who sent His son here to reconcile ALL people to Him. She told me that I would NOT burn in hell and that I was greatly loved by the Creator. I was very precious in his eyes and that I need not worry about going to hell. I could not get past the fact that I had to be baptized. She then began to tell me that she could even baptize me if that was what I wanted, but it was the belief that there is a God so great that really mattered. She did NOT go into scripture versus. She told me the effect God had had on her life and the great hope God brought her in her times of trouble and how He helped her go about her daily life.

Now I am sure what she told me was not exactly theologically sound, by possibly any religious traditions, BUT it resonated with me. Before, my internal struggle and the lack of adult or any ‘religious community’ support telling me about a Loving God who did not hate, who was not out to punish people, especially those that are the most neglected and innocent in our world gave me hope. Hope that no matter how sinful I was I was loved unconditionally and no matter how many times I turned away from God he would love me anyway. I needed to have faith that God is so great He did and does not have limitations on His love. I really had thought I was sinful beyond God’s limits. God could and would never want to love someone like myself. How could He? I was not baptized and did not go to church. I was just a plain bad person with a blackened soul, marked for hell. Only a few were chosen by God and I was not one of those chosen people to be loved by Him. It is what I had been taught, heard and validated through the community at large. Now because of ONE person telling me about God’s love, I had a freedom I had not felt in years or ever. This freedom allowed me to live.

Last night many of us stayed awake to ring in a new year, 2011, with hopes that this new year will bring us a better life in the forms finances, social status, improved health, looks and body. I challenge us on an individual basis to take this new year down a little different path. Instead of focusing on ourselves, why not focus on getting to know God a little better. Not learning about him in an intellectual sense, but getting to ‘know’ Him they way God wanted us to know Him and how he created us (body, mind spirit).

From an institutional standpoint, that is those working within the ‘religious’ communities, the churches, synagogues, temples and mosques, I challenge you to spread the ‘Good News’ about God. Leave your buildings and interact within your communities at large. Do not preach the Good News. Do not talk the good news. Behave the good news.  Remember I didn’t go to a church or a building where someone told me about God. It was within my own home. It was where I was at.

Looking back on my internal struggle, coupled with events and people I believe God had a hand in bringing into my life, He brought me to this stage of My Walk, The Walk. My future blog entries will focus on those experiences and people. It is with great and humble acknowledgement that I understand it is by God’s loving, forgiving mercy and His Grace I am here.