A letter to God

Monday, August 22, 2005

Dear God,

Here I am writing you a letter. I have spoken to you many times through out my life, most notably in the last few weeks. Go figure, I am now in a spirituality class. I have spoken to you many times in the past few weeks about all the events and people that have been in my life that have led me to you. Or should I say these people and events have opened me up to knowing your presence around me always. The past two years the people and events seem to be more frequent and the duration between the events and people seems to be shorter and shorter. Is this true, or am I just ‘noticing’ them more?

The assignment, as I am sure you know, is to write you and tell you the fist time I actually ‘knew’ you were here or felt you. I have thought about this for years. And you know when I consciously noticed you. It is hard to talk about, because the circumstances that I felt your loving peace were not and still are not memories I care to think about. BUT you were there each and every time I was at the receiving end of the horrific events. I now know that those who partook in these events did not realize what they were doing at the time. I can rationalize this now in my own head. Each time I remember those incidences, I feel like a child again. My heart cries for that little girl. You know, you were and are still with me each and every time I remember these things. How did I know it was you God? Immediately following one of these horrifying episodes, I felt physical pain in my chest., like a squeezing. I felt apart of myself leaving me. I think now that pain was my little soul crying out. And you were there. I would feel a sense of warmth and peace come over me and a sense that everything would be ok. I would lie in my bed and know that despite the horrible things that were done, I was a ‘good’ child and that I must be because I ‘knew’ you loved me. How did I know this? Who else could give me inner peace and make me feel loved and warm like that? You made me feel or gave me these feeling/sense everything would be turn out OK, and you delivered. I am so thankful for everything you have blessed me with in my life. My wonderful, caring husband. A person who loves me unconditionally. My ‘biggest’ supporter. My beautiful, healthy, joyous children. I pray for them everyday, which you know about. I can’t thank you enough for these. I just hope I can make you happy and proud.

In the past few years I have been confused about this whole spirituality thing. What is right and what is wrong? I believe you have led me to the place where I am finding the answers for myself. Is there a wrong answer? My biggest fear is that I will believe the wrong thing. The LAST thing I would want to do is hurt you or act as though I am turning my back on you. You have given me such great joy, to dishonor you or to hurt you would be the last thing I would want to do. Yet, I know I do sin daily. I pray for your forgiveness.

So, I know I have felt your calming peace and love when I was a child and even pre-teen. Have these ‘other’ people and incidences you and I know about be true? Or are they just my subconscious helping me work through some difficult times in my life? Why couldn’t you be the one directing my sub conscious? I don’t know, I am asking. I feel like it is you. I am being cautious, because I don’t want to be misled. May be this is what is meant by taking the risk of faith and believe.

Yesterday in class we were learning about the six major turning points that the church has encountered since ‘organized’ religion. We are asked to fill out this wheel. A continuum of sorts. Where do we each fit individually on this continuum? I plot what and where I think I fit. Then I read the descriptions. In the categories I feel I am higher on do NOT describe me. Each of the categories I feel I score low in, describe me. What’s up?

Since I was a young child, I have known you love me. It hasn’t been until recently when I have had someone I love dearly actually show me human love back in a wonderful way, that I have been able to accept your love and to love myself. Does this sound right? Your love pulled me through some extremely terrifying and harsh times as a child. I believe you sent my husband to me to help me. Because of him and the other two gifts of my children, I believe I am able to start this spiritual journey. THANK YOU! The things I am reading, the people I am encountering and the events I am experiencing are reinforcing what I have always believed and thought. I think its because I have known deeply in my heart all these years, but have been unable to recognize or notice you here. I have always believed you love everyone. I found it extremely hard to believe that you would send people to Hell because they were not a certain religion. I think I am finally seeing what I am to see. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t know everything. I know I am not supposed to know everything. It’s only human to try to figure things out and to be scared of the unknown. I still have difficulty understanding many things about you. I have started thinking, may be those are the things too above my realm of ability to comprehend and understand. I know when the time is right for me; you will reveal those things to me. I just feel elated because things I have felt about you, I have heard others say they also believe. I guess it’s the whole validation thing. 

I could write more and more. You know that. I think about you often and invite you in. I know you are there. This letter is not news to you. You know. This letter is to help me become closer to you. I know my words are not always the correctly chosen words, but I know you know what my heart means.

How do I end this…LOVE,

Angie